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Due to increasing popularity (yeah baby! getting the word out to all the sober peeps!), I’ve moved my blog to its very own domain. Sweetness.

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Stay sober. Stay strong.

What threatens my sobriety – getting sober is one thing, staying sober is another.

There are always going to be moments in my life where I will just want to get shitfaced drunk. I fantasize about it more often than I’d like to officially admit. I’m pretty sure I won’t ever actually do it, but in my wise old age of 34 I’ve learned that you can’t ever be too sure about anything and besides, cockiness can be dangerous. My intention and mission in life is to stay sober, but if I want to maintain this I know I can’t just sit around and wish on it, I have to work hard at it.

Triggers

Triggers are threats to anyone’s sobriety; they are whatever makes you think about and/or crave alcohol. Triggers ultimately lead to relapse if you’re not careful and paying attention. Every day I experience a number of triggers, even at 5 1/2 years of sobriety. I am happy to say that it has gotten a bit easier, though. In early sobriety the triggers were much more frequent and difficult to deal with, as almost anything posed a potential threat:

• a commercial
• a song
• a sunny day
• a rainy day
• getting off of work
• feeling happy
• feeling sad
• watching football
• going out in public
• feeling uninteresting
• holidays
• stress
• eating a steak
• …you name it.

There’s a good reason that most AA meetings celebrate short increments of sobriety like 30, 60, and 90 days with coins; the first stretch of abstinence is often the hardest. You’ve finally given up the booze, but you haven’t had the time to replace it with healthy tools and habits. Learning to approach life in new ways with a sober mind takes a shift in perspective and approach on just about everything, which takes a lot of time, energy and persistence.

Repression is a normal human defense mechanism that softens the bad stuff in our lives so we can handle it. Traumatic events from a few years ago don’t seem as big of deals anymore. There is also something called euphoric recall, which exaggerates the good times. Lots of people in sobriety say things like, “I messed up, got a few DUIs and lost the love of my life, but I had tons of fun when I was drinking and I think I’ve learned my lesson. I think I can enjoy the good times again and control my drinking. If it gets like it was before, I’ll get some help, but I think I can do it again.”  This “disease” is insane and I wish the medical profession could get more of a handle on it, as there are just too many unknowns. So, if you’re experiencing triggers similar to those above, relapse is almost inevitable unless you are consciously at work, in my humble opinion.

Handling My Worst Triggers

I am finding that being further into sobriety the triggers can be quite tricky. The most troubling triggers I am experiencing lately are my vivid day dreams about boozing, hearing certain songs or the temptation I feel when I am less than an arm’s length away from an open container. I’ve very recently realized (today, actually) just how dangerous my thoughts have become. They’ve snuck up behind me and have completely wrapped around my world. I’m so aware of it at this very moment, my heart is heavy and the pain of this is almost overwhelming. How could I not recognize this happening? If sobriety is my mission in life, why did it feel okay to consistently daydream about getting wasted?  Why did it feel right to be so sneaky, transporting my mind back to that secret world? Why didn’t the strong part of me stop it? Why didn’t I stop myself from listening to those songs that instantly transport me back to that place?

I’m just really glad I’m aware now, so I’ve made a plan:

1. Redirect my drunken day dreams – I’ll start with visualizing replacing every drink with water and feeling it flow through my body, making me feel fresh and alive. I’ll have to ponder this one some more, though.
2. Turn off the music – The songs are easy, I can just turn them off. There’s only one type of music that is “trigger free” for me, so I’ll be listening to a lot more Tchaikovsky and Beethoven. Get ready, hubby.
3. Redirect my thoughts around open containers – this is the one I’m worried about, but if I focus on the steps above, maybe it’ll be easier. I have already cut back on my exposure to alcohol substantially, but it’s still everywhere. More often than not, I think about how close it is to me and how easily I could just put my lips on it and chug it down. I never tell anyone when I think these thoughts because they are all too often, and what’s the point, really? Plus, it scares the hell out of me. With one swift movement all of my hard work could go to the shitter along with my amazing life as I now know it. I do believe I’ll be making a counseling appointment a.s.a.p.

In my twisted little alcoholic brain, I’m now imagining the thoughts of my readers, as I had similar thoughts about my dad when I was younger:

• “Why can’t she just stop and be done with it?”
• “Doesn’t she have enough willpower?”
• “Is she really that weak?”
• “Why would she doubt herself? Is she looking for an excuse?”
• “Does she not love her son enough?”
• “Isn’t her husband’s threat to leave her enough?”

Here’s a shocking revelation: what you or anyone else thinks of me is NONE of my business, but I am aware that what I’m actually afraid of is what I think of me. I will say this, my husband DID help to spark my initial sobriety, but willpower and ultimatums certainly won’t keep me that way. I’m not weak or pessimistic, I’m honest and realistic. That’s what I’m counting on to get me through this. The only thing that will keep me sober is continued focus on how I can get better. How I can better think, act, react and love.

Prevention and Growth

Until I can see a counselor, I’m also putting the following plan into action:

1. Put ME first – this is not selfish, it’s absolutely necessary in order to be a loving, caring, productive person, friend, wife, mom and daughter. The quality of my relationships is directly related to the quality of my relationship with me. I must do what’s right for ME more often. I’ve been practicing lately, but I’m really going to kick it up a notch now.
2. Simplify – My closet (amongst other closets and drawers) is a pit, overflowing with clothes I don’t wear and it has been at the back of my mind for quite some time now – not a source of stress I need, no matter how small. Quite frankly, I don’t need to see or talk to anyone on a regular basis to be happy either (except for my husband, son, brother and mom). I am perfectly content with just BEING at home most of the time. A happy marriage requires compromise however, so I do participate in many things to appease my husband and his relentless socialite craziness. He has been good for me in that respect, as I would likely be a fairly lazy gal, with a tendency to get a little depressed. We’ve actually slowed down lately, which has been nurturing to the homebody in me, so I’ll just keep it up.
3. Connect with other sober alcoholics – this may seem like a contradiction to my prior plan to simplify my social calendar, but it’s not. I need to do this on my own terms. It’s really important to me that I feel like I belong in some sense and learn to distinguish between healthy boundaries and emotional walls; I can’t think of a better way to practice and learn than with new people going through similar experiences. This step will probably the toughest one, due to my social anxiety. This is where my dad gets hung up…it has led to his relapse time and time again.
4. Get rid of toxic people – Right now there isn’t anyone I necessarily need to break-up with, but there are people that are in unhealthy relationships or unhealthy lifestyles that I don’t want to spend time with. There will be instances where I must, however because that’s just how life is, but I am going to be more diligent about keeping them out of my home (my safe place) and limiting my exposure to them.
5. Relax – I don’t consider this a luxury, nor does it fall into the “put ME first” category. Regular relaxation is essential for a healthy life. Why the hell is it so hard to do, then? If I could get a weekly massage, I would. If I ever have disposable income I will do exactly that. So, in the meantime I’ll take more naps whether or not the house falls apart, or my husband bitches at me. Yes dear, I just said that.

Please do not change who you are around me. Don’t act differently, don’t talk differently and don’t drink differently. Don’t worry about little ‘ol me, I won’t break. Don’t try to shield or coddle me, that’ll just piss me off. Just keep your home stocked with my new fav, Diet Hansen’s, and then that’s where I’ll draw the line.

My seemingly endless internal turmoil is MY problem and I’ll own that, thank you very much. It was my choice to get sober.

Oh, but in my perfect world, I’d never again have to:

• Set foot in another bar
• Have alcohol in my home
• Witness other people drinking on MY time
• Deal with the masses thinking it’s so cool
• Deal with the social stigma associated with problem drinkers
• Think about all of this shit
• Feel like it’s in my face every second of every freaking day!

Do I wish alcohol never existed? No. Because there are freaks of nature out there who can actually drink responsibly and don’t have “relationships” with alcohol. This is why I must endure all of the shit above.

I’m not against alcohol; I’m just sick of dealing with the clashing of my sober life and the rest of the world day in and day out. And herein lies the purpose for this blog; an outlet for self-discovery and unloading! So, you be you and I’ll be me and you can read about my journey if you want to.

If I make you uncomfortable – I know I do for some – suck it up, go have a little chat with yourself and figure out what the hell is wrong with you. I am not responsible for how you feel, just as you are not responsible for how I feel. Stop being such a sensitive sally.

What you CAN do:

• Ask me questions. I love to talk about my sobriety and I find I learn a lot from doing so.
• Sign up to receive email notifications for new blog entries I post. The more ears I have, the stronger and louder my voice will get. It’s so freeing to feel like someone is actually listening.

First of all, let me start out by saying that you don’t have to be an alcoholic to have a drinking problem, although you are surely on that path. If you are wondering if you might have a drinking problem, you probably do. Ignorant people tend to picture alcoholics as falling-down, smelly boozers or bitchy trailer park whores, but the majority of alcoholics walk around looking and acting like “normal” people. If you don’t want to label yourself as an alcoholic or problem drinker, then don’t. Nobody is asking you to. Awareness is all I am going for here. Here are some warning signs:

1. Not being able to imagine your life without alcohol in it – if this scenario is just too hard to grasp, I can certainly relate. Who the hell would want to hang out with you? Why would you want to hang out with your dumbass friends if you were the only one sober? What would you do with your time? Where the hell would you go? How would you deal with every single situation where alcohol is present?
2. Obsessing about alcohol – about the next time you can drink, how you are going to get it and who you’re going to go out drinking with. I’m not talking about getting all frazzled like a crack whore, it can be as simple as daydreaming about those beers after work every day, or worse, putting a few back in the middle of the day, just to make it through.
3. Surrounding yourself socially with heavy drinkers – all of my friends were partiers. I barely knew of any sober people. There are so many heavy drinkers out there; I’d say a large majority of the ones that I know have a problem to some degree. But what does that mean? Whatever the hell you want it to mean. Our society encourages heavy drinking, sadly. It just seems so glamorous to be instantly accepted into that “club”. Am I judgmental? Hell yeah, I am. I’ve earned that right, plus, what’s it matter to you?
4. Binge drinking – considered to be 5 drinks or more consumed within one sitting – is there any other way? Anything less than that and I figured you just couldn’t hang. If you weren’t beer bonging, keg standing, shot gunning, or just plain trying to get wasted, I could not and did not want to relate to you.
5. Inability to control your alcohol intake after starting to drink – I actually don’t think I fell into this category. I was usually pretty good at keeping a steady buzz without going off the deep end, or having the spins set in. I know many who cannot control their intake, however and decide to jump over fires, jump off of houses, drive around, break stuff by being retarded or have to cut a good time short because they’re so blitzed, they have to go pass out.
6. Behaving in ways, while drunk, that are uncharacteristic of your sober personality – I don’t really have to go here, do I? Been there. Done that. Repeatedly.
7. Feeling guilt and shame about your drunken behaviors – I’m not going here either, but I will say that toward the end of my drinking career, I was apologizing to my husband (then boyfriend) on a regular basis. I would turn into a royal bitch and basically become verbally abusive toward him. He would never repeat what I said to him…it must have been some awful shit…but thankfully, he forgave me and we worked through it all together.
8. Repeating unwanted drinking patterns – in a normal person’s brain, they would likely learn from episodes and choose not to repeat them, at least not for a very long time. In an alcoholic’s brain (in my dumbed-down opinion), this choice is overridden by some type of chemical blip that almost makes you forget about the episode, or something like that. I had a friend who had to look at the guy’s mail on his table in the morning, to figure out what his name was…she was absolutely mortified, scared…she was right back out on the town the next weekend boozing and whoring around. Normal people don’t do that.
9. Driving drunk – Here’s something scary, I drove during my blackouts. I honestly thought I was an exception to the rule. I’m damn lucky I never killed anyone. I am still ashamed about this and feel a little hypocritical now, but no, not really. I’m sober now, so that means I’m better than all of you who choose to drive drunk. If I see any of you bitches driving around, I’m calling 911. You need to actually think before you start drinking.
10. Driving buzzed – even if you’re buzzed, you have no right to be behind that wheel. I know, I know, it’s easier said than done. The alcohol makes you think you can do it. Here’s my advice: Plan. Plan. Plan. If you’re going out after work and you have two drinks on an empty stomach, you should have planned it out to have someone else drive you or pick you up. Inconvenient you say? So is a DUI or even worse, running over a pedestrian or killing someone. There are so many dumbasses that drive with a buzz; I really need to write a separate post on this subject.
11. Getting drunk before actually arriving at parties/bars – PRE-FUNK, baby! It’s much cheaper, more fun and it’s so much more convenient to already be loose and extra social when you arrive to a function.
12. Setting drinking limits – if you try to “only drink on the weekends” or have only 1 glass of wine with dinner, you’re likely setting yourself up for failure. If not, more power to you, but if you even have to consider setting limits, maybe you should honestly explore why that is.
13. Taking breaks from drinking – “We were on a break!” Like that ever works out! Seriously, if you have to take a freaking break, you’re not being real with yourself.
14. Always having to finish your alcoholic beverage or someone else’s – it’s a damn shame to waste perfectly good alcohol, I know. The only acceptable instance would be a very small pour out for all of your fallen homies. Bet.
15. People have expressed concern about your negative drunken behaviors – here’s where I am confused and shocked…no one ever said anything to me that I remember. Most of my friends and family were surprised to hear that I had quit! It is such a shame how our society puts drinking and partying on such a pedestal. I wish someone would have expressed genuine concern for me, as deep down, I was breaking my own heart and wanting someone to really SEE me. Who knows, I may have laughed in their face or bitched them out if they tried, but I’d like to think it would have resonated on some level…if ifs were fifths…
16. Having chronic blackouts – shit, that was the goal half the time. I blacked out on a very regular basis. A piece of advice for everyone: DON’T DRINK EVEN ONE DRINK ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, EVER!
17. An increasing sense of denial that your heavy drinking is a problem because you are able to succeed professionally and personally – I think people hear the phrase, “functioning alcoholic” and forget that the majority of alcoholics ARE functioning, really. Alcoholics, problem drinkers, whatever you want to call it.

If you do determine you or someone you love has a problem, there are many options for help and many different ways to go about it. Google it. Comments are welcome.

The hard part about sobriety is that you have to deal with life and other people as they really are, and you have to do this SOBER!

I’ve found the following to be true for me:

1. It hasn’t gotten much easier
2. Most people are pretty boring – having said that, I do make a game out of it to spice it up and do usually find out interesting things about people or myself.
3. I have little tolerance for annoying people – this has always been the case, but the level of annoyingness soars when I’m sober, especially when the irritating party is drinking.
4. I have little tolerance for people who don’t follow through with their own goals – I am so damn proud of myself for being able to do this day in and day out, I really don’t understand people who refuse to change their lives for the better. My lack of understanding surely leads to the intolerance, I’ll admit. Sure, we all get comfortable being uncomfortable at times, but I don’t get these people: People who bitch about being fat and do little about it just baffle my mind; People who hate their job, but don’t even look for a new one, willing to just be miserable for their short, precious lives; People who make New Years resolutions. Seriously, they’re kidding themselves if they wait to do it; People who drink all the way to the front door of rehab…you know that’s not going to end well. If you really wanted it, you’d start right this moment. Everyone wants a simple fix and no one wants to work hard for what they want. This is why I admire other sober people and want to know more of them, because it would be so easy to just take that first drink, but every minute of every day has a purpose, to stay sober…and then every other minute finds a new, more meaningful purpose. We do things on purpose, is what I am getting at. I like that. In the words of good ‘ol Hitch, “Begin each day as if it were on purpose.”
5. My problems are still here, only they’re easier to work through
6. I know who my true friends are
7. Most functions are pretty boring – I make a game out of these, too. I have to, living with my social butterfly of a husband. My social anxiety doesn’t help, but sure does set the stage for some challenging interactions, which then elude the boringness, but make me a nervous wreck!
8. Most functions include alcohol – true dat!
9. Drunk people are obnoxious idiots - I am usually not around for this phase anymore, but on the lucky occassion I happen to be, they either disgust me, make me oh so grateful that I am who I am, or sometimes they are actually funny…at their expense, of course.
10. I have zero tolerance for drinking and driving – ZERO
11. I’m more aware of my surroundings
12. It’s hard for me to relax and unwind – this is a bothersome one because relaxation is the essence of life. The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it. Massages work tremendously well, but I don’t have the money, or I’d have one weekly. Working out does help. What I really want is the ability to better recognize when I’m in the middle of a crazy anxious frenzy (this happens daily and is on some level a panick attack, I believe), so I can take a deep breath and calm myself down somehow. Funny how relaxation doesn’t seem to come to me naturally.
13. I am responsible for myself and answer only to myself
14. I remember what happened the night before – usually. I blame my current memory lapses on being a baby momma.
15. I remember every sporting event I go to – not many people I know can say that!
16. My bonds with some of my family and friends are stronger and more meaningful
17. Waking up clear-headed is an amazing way to start out the day
18. I still dream of getting trashed one day without consequence – it would be so nice to kick back with a few cold ones and let my brain get a little fuzzy while my worries and cares just drifted away for an afternoon…

“For the flavor of it” – gimme a break!

Why do people have “just one drink?” – ah yes, “for the flavor of it.”

The next time someone says that to me, I am serioulsy going to junk punch them. Alcohol is designed to affect the brain and give the user a sense of pleasure. That’s the beauty of it, really. So I’m not buying it if you have “just one drink” at dinner or after work. If you like the flavor of it, have a non-alcoholic beer or non-alcoholic wine…they taste similar. Do they think it’s a bad thing to want the alcohol to have even the smallest of effects on them, which only one drink certainly will? It’s not a bad thing at all. It’s only when you can’t control how much you consume, or do stupid shit when under the influence that it becomes a problem (that’s certainly not the definition of an alcoholic, but you get my gist).

A “drink” is either one shot of liquor, a five-ounce glass of wine or one beer, all of which contain the same amount of alcohol, pretty much. At the .02 blood alcohol concentration level, experiments have demostrated that people exhibit some loss of judgment and begin to relax and feel good. But tests have also shown that drivers at the .02 level experience a decline in visual functions, affecting their ability to track a moving object, and experience a decline in the ability to perform two tasks at the same time. These changes may be very subtle and barely noticable to the person who has had only one drink, but in an emergency situation while behind the wheel of a vehicle, they could cause the driver to react (or not react) as they would without having had a drink. I thought it was worth mention, but I will cover drinking and driving in a future post. Just for the record, the only safe driving limit is .00 percent.

So all of those ridiculous people out there saying they have a drink “for the flavor of it” are lying to themselves. Self awareness is key, people. If you can’t admit to yourself that you like the affect a glass of wine has on you, what the hell else can’t you admit? If you’re trying to sugar coat it so as not to offend me, too late. Sometimes I never ever want to bear witness to another drop being consumed by anyone. Not because I assume they have a problem or because I’m jealous they don’t have a problem…well, it could be one those things, BUT I just don’t enjoy being surrounded by it day after day, having to constantly go through this turmoil inside, where I don’t seem to fit into this world anymore. MY world! It makes me mad that normal people take having “just one drink” so lightly, when that one drink for me signifies failure, regret and the end of life as I know it.

Don’t ever tell me you’re having that beer just because you love the taste. Be who you are and I’ll be who I am. You don’t need to censor yourself, making you look like a complete idiot in my eyes. It does more harm than good to try to shield or protect me, if that’s the case.

PS: If you have one glass of wine every day for an entire year, you are adding 54750 calories to your diet. This totals to about 15 pounds of extra calories. Drink up, fatty.

Why AA Doesn’t Work for Me

First of all, let me just say that AA has continued to help millions of people stay sober through the years. It’s free, highly accessible and has saved many lives, so I’m not going to knock it. I actually recommend it to people, if that’s their kind of scene. I’m simply shedding light on the fact that not everyone is willing to conform to the program, and I am one of them. Here are the reasons why:

• Opening up to strangers is not my thing– I have this social anxiety thing going on as it is. Just sitting quietly in a meeting, stirring up these drowned feelings around people is hard enough. Sharing my deep emotions with a bunch of people I don’t know or trust does not feel healthy for me in the slightest.
• It’s cliquey – The regulars get all lovey-dovey with each other, it irritates me and seems very awkward.
• It’s religion based – They SAY that you can pick whatever “higher power” you prefer, but it is still largely Christian based. When they speak of a God, which is regularly, they are using Christian rationale and Christian beliefs. This is just fine, if you are of that religion. I do not believe in supernatural super-humans or gods. I decided that it was just too exhausting to make the word, “god” mean something different to me every time it was mentioned. It made me feel like an outsider, and even more alone.
• Most of the 12 steps aren’t applicable to me – The twelve steps are the only path to sobriety in AA. They are as follows:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
   - I’ll never admit that I am powerless. I have never been powerless. The alcohol didn’t cast a spell on me; I made a choice with every drink I took. I was never a victim. Plus, this gives justification to relapsing.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
   - I’m the only one who can make my choices and changes. A daily dose of Zoloft doesn’t hurt, though.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
   - I am personally responsible for my own life. I enjoy being accountable to myself and to the world. I am proud of how far I’ve come and owe it only to my amazing self.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
   - This, I can get on board with.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. - I’ll keep this shit to myself, thanks.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. - This is bullshit. I don’t believe that a higher power “fixes” our character defect. I believe that only WE have that power. And that it is something you do for yourself. To me, this implies that it’s not your fault you’re an addict. Again, I’m not a victim. Again, I am accountable. And maybe I’m just a positive thinker on this one, but my character has never been defected.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. - Seriously? You have to work on it, and it isn’t easy, but it’s not something that magically gets fixed for you. Seriously. Even if Superman could do this for me, I’d rather learn more and get stronger with my own hard work. I feel it’s a waste of time to ask or hope for. Just do it. Nutt up.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
   - This is a good one. And it scares the hell out of me.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. - I like this one, too…
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
    - Ah yes, some responsibility for our own actions. Very good.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
    - This has absolutely nothing to do with alcoholism.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
    - This sounds a lot like the witnessing that some religions do. Really, what does religion have to do with addiction at all? Why blame God? Why expect God to fix you? I don’t see where religion (any religion) has to enter the equation at all, but that’s me, and this is my blog.

So what does work for me?

• The ultimatum – I’d secretly been longing for some kind of ultimatum. My poor, verbally abused husband (then boyfriend) got the ball rolling.
• Being open and honest – Basically, broadcasting to the world that I am sober feels good. I’m not ashamed; I don’t want to hide it. If someone is going to judge me, they can suck it. I’m so proud of myself, I love to tell people. It increases my awareness, too, because most people have a friend or family member or someone at the office that is sober. It seems like there are so few of us out there. And maybe someone who’s been questioning themselves will relate with me and actually make that choice, you never know.
• Supportive family – My mom is my biggest fan and source of support and encouragement. She is and always has been my rock. My husband, who grew up a stranger to the world of alcoholism, has learned so much about this crazy, freaky world of boozers. He’s been open, patient, forgiving, loving, positive…and just downright amazing. My brother, who has been sober for close to a year now is like the mirror to my “soul”. He keeps me grounded and reminds me to stay real. I am so proud of him.
• Writing it out – I’ve journaled here and there and it has really helped. The problem with it is that I feel like I have to catch my journal up if I haven’t written in a month, or 6 months, and then the task seems so daunting, I just avoid it. Yes, I’m a little mental and well aware of it. Blogging is exciting, though. I’m on a computer 7 days a week, so it seems only fitting.
• Counseling – In the beginning I saw a counselor. They can be very helpful through the rough spots, too. My most recent counselor had been sober for 20 years…I definitely felt like she got it. I would try so hard not to cry sometimes, but then after the flood gates opened I felt like a weight had been lifted that I hadn’t realized was there – I’m talking in a physical and mental sense. I am a big believer that we contribute to our own diseases by not managing our stress and emotions well.
• My son – He deserves ME. The sober ME. And I want him to be proud of me.